I few months ago a friend and I were discussing the inner dialogues we have with aggressive and abusive aspects of our psyches. We acknowledged the years of work we had done to bring awareness to these dialogues, engage in them more productively and experience them as less damaging to our sense of self. My friend was pleased to share with me his recent discovery that a shift had taken place in these dialogues; he was more often than not able to quickly shut down the negative voice without entering into a lengthy discussion with it. Since I had recently experienced a similar awareness, we spent some time reviewing our past relationships with these inner demons and were able to laugh at some of the more painful moments.

My favorite story he tells about such an interaction is of a benign and ordinary experience most of us have on a daily basis. He was at a drive through window and as he reached out his hand for the change he smiled. Something about the way he smiled at the clerk triggered his negative inner voice to start a tirade; he was a fake, he was stupid, he was…on and on. It struck him in this moment how ridiculous this voice was. It wasn’t an accurate judge of his actions, rather a harsh critic who berated him in every circumstance regardless of how he behaved. As we discussed this inner critic we came to the conclusion that far from using any discernment, the voice was simply motivated by the need to squash any good feelings or thoughts we might have for or about ourselves. It is against the self. The ultimate Anti-Me.

Most of us have some form of Anti-Me either raging or lurking inside of us. While, it can be helpful to understand its origins, I believe it’s most important to begin to develop a conscious relationship with this voice.  When the dialogues become more consciously directed we can actually use this negative voice as a tool for self-awareness.  

So where does it come from?  Well, there are a ton of theories about this but sometimes theories aren’t very practical! Certainly it is true that we learn some of this negative self-talk from people we’ve cared about; i.e. parents, teachers, coaches. This is called introjection.  Any self-esteem issues emerge as part of this voice, as do a lot of everyday doubts and concerns.  In Jungian psychology, this voice is considered a complex.  The Anti-Me as a complex is a cluster of thoughts, feelings and beliefs in our unconscious that have evolved into an inner voice whose sole purpose is to berate us.  

That being said, what can we do about it?  My friend and I agreed that our work with the Anti-Me began when we got good and pissed off about it.  Instead of sitting in the proverbial corner and whimpering when attacks from the Anti-Me come, action is called for.  I began by telling the voice to “shut up!”  The Anti-Me may shut up for a while but it always comes back and often it returns in greater force.  I recommend entering into a dialogue with it–out loud if circumstance allows.  Some things I’ve said are :

“Hey, knock it off.  I’m trying to (fill in the blank) and we can talk about this later.”

“What do you know about it, really?”

” Thanks for the input but f*** off.”  (This is more appropriate when nothing you do seems to quiet the Anti-Me.)

When I’ve said these things I usually end up going back and forth with my Anti-Me a bit and then getting back to whatever I was doing.  It’s not that you need to be polite or have a constructive conversation.  You need to get a word in and most of all be aware that you’re doing it.  It’s then possible to begin building awareness that becomes a tool for growth.  Every time the Anti-Me flares up about something, try to see it as a signal that somewhere inside of you there is fear or uncertainty.  Vulnerability.  The voice comes off as harsh and abrasive because there’s a part of you that feels uncomfortable with what you’re doing and it’s trying to stop you by any means necessary.  When you realize this, you can say a few words and then get on with life because you’ll know not to take it as judgment but as a cry for attention. 

 Most importantly, if your Anti-Me is a frequent voice in your mind, experiment.  What works for me may not work for everyone.  What’s essential is that you recognize the vulnerability being signaled by the Anti-Me’s abuse, honor it, and move on.  You might even begin to feel some compassion for this hateful voice!