When I heard the news of Michael Jackson’s death yesterday, I thought I would be the last person on earth to write about it.  I have not been a fan of his music since Thriller ( I was ten when that album was released) and have felt deeply critical and resentful of his actions as a father, especially since he was such a celebrity and had so much influence in the world.  I was not happy that he died, rather I felt almost nothing.  This lack of feeling prompted me to ask myself, “where is my compassion, my empathy for a fellow human being?”  After all, I am a psychotherapist and much of what I do with and for clients involves feeling compassion for them when they are too full of self-judgement to feel it for themselves.  It is easy to see why I felt disturbed by my lack of compassion for Michael Jackson, a man who was known to have suffered abuse as a child and who so obviously wanted the approval of many, if not the whole world.

I think this lack of compassion occurs in all of us.  Instead of compassion we feel judgment.  Why?  Maybe because it’s more comfortable to feel judgment than compassion.  Having compassion opens us up to the pain and suffering of another human being.  Judgment on the other hand, can tempt us into the illusion of feeling superior and powerful.  I am not a child-molester.  I am not addicted to pain killers.  Therefore, I must be better than him.  Why should I feel compassion for someone who has hurt others? I believe that judgment, while being less obviously painful, is more damaging to our soul.  It separates us from others and when we are separate we are less connected to life. 

If it’s easier and less painful to feel judgmental, however, then how do we get from judgment to compassion?  Psychologist and author, Daniel Goleman, has this to say:

“The act of compassion begins with full attention, just as rapport does. You have to really see the person. If you see the person, then naturally, empathy arises. If you tune into the other person, you feel with them. If empathy arises, and if that person is in dire need, then empathic concern can come. You want to help them, and then that begins a compassionate act. So I’d say that compassion begins with attention.”

This is how I suddenly discovered my compassion for Michael Jackson.  A friend passed along a link to this article written by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, who was one of Michael’s friends.  For some reason I felt compelled to read this particular commentary on Michael’s life.  And the result was unlooked-for compassion.  To peer into Michael’s life through the lense of someone who knew and loved him allowed me to open up to his pain and the longing he felt to be loved and accepted.   How sad that he was taught at such an impressionable age to equate love with the admiration of strangers.  How tragic that this lesson was beaten into him by his own father.

So I now feel compassion for a man I previously felt only disdain for.  It doesn’t change the facts, as I see them, that he was responsible for hurting others and for setting a bad example.   And that’s the really tricky part about feeling compassion for others; it can be painful to witness another’s suffering AND they are still responsible for the injuries they inflict on themselves and others.  Compassion can inspire us to help someone, as it seems it did Rabbi Schmuley, but the burden of accepting the challenge to change rests on the individual who is suffering.

In the end, I don’t feel better now that I feel compassion for Michael Jackson, I merely feel humbled.  That seems somehow more human that judgment.

Most of what I muse about here at Windjourney’s Weblog is focused on nurturing a healthier body/mind/spirit.  In order to enjoy health in these ways, however, we have to live on a planet that will sustain us.  Some of you may have noticed that on the lower right hand side of this page there is a badge stating that this blog promotes climate change.  I got this badge from the folks at brighterplanet.com.  This site offers all sorts of helpful tools for reducing your carbon footprint and learning more about climate change.  Because I took part in their challenge to get 350 bloggers to post the badge on their websites, I earned the opportunity to help other people do their part in offsetting their carbon footprint.  There’s absolutely nothing required of you in the way of payment so if you’re interested please click on the link below.  Only the first 25 visitors will get to participate so do it now!

http://oneday.brighterplanet.com/users/4656/passes/public/WZG-JLI

Thanks all!!!

As a psychotherapist, and as someone who has experienced brief depressive episodes as well as the long term depression of a family member, it has often been my unhappy duty to explain depression to those who have no personal experience with it.  Anyone can go to the DSM and look up the diagnostic criteria for depression, but try explaining what this feels like.  That is a completely different jar of cookies.

Maybe you are depressed or have been depressed.  Chances are good that you know someone who has experienced depression.  The World Health Organization estimates that depression affects about 121 million people worldwide, and leads to 850,000 suicide deaths per year!  It is important that every one have a basic understanding of this serious condition because until the stigma around it (and other mental illnesses) is gone many people will continue to be alienated and go untreated.

My purpose here is to do my part (small though it is) in spreading awareness by presenting some descriptions of what depression feels like.  People who are depressed may be perceived as being lazy, self-involved or anti-social.  But in reality they tend to feel little interest or pleasure in anything, have low self-esteem and little energy, and experience their lives as meaningless.  Along with this, many people who are depressed also experience debilitating anxiety and find it hard to be around people. Some succumb to this while others fight tooth and nail to overcome depression or live with it in such a way that their lives are not ruled by it.

Perhaps the most courageous and vivid ongoing description of living with depression is found in an online blog I read quite often.  In this particular entry, the author aptly describes her experience this way:

“Can you ever run out of emotion? In trying to explain Depression the other day I said imagine that one day you found you’d run out of fun and pleasure. You woke up and those emotions had disappeared – your tank was empty and the car wouldn’t start. It just sputtered and spluttered until you finally gave up on it as a lost cause and kicked the tyres till you’d run out of energy too.”

Other ways I’ve heard it described:

“I wake up in the morning and I can’t think of a single reason to get out of bed.  Everything that used to have meaning has no substance for me anymore.”

“I once spent three days crying and I didn’t know why.  Everything, a broken dish, the sound of my baby crying, the mail in the post box, it all made me cry.”

“When I’m depressed it’s like all feeling is gone.  I can look at the sky and know intellectually that it’s beautiful but feel nothing.  My children laugh and I feel nothing.  I want to feel something but it’s like I’m in a bubble where everything, my emotions and desires, is on the outside of the barrier between me and life.”

If you or someone you know is depressed and not already getting help, please make a phone call today-right now-and get help.  Most counties have mental health hotlines and if you have insurance it probably covers a visit with a mental health professional.  At the least, call your primary doctor and schedule an appointment for a depression screening.  Depression is a serious illness but it can almost always be successfully treated with psychotherapy and/or medication.

Here is a resource for learning more about depression and how to get help.

A blogger friend made an important observation about my post Five Things You Can Do To Feel Better About Yourself. She said that in her experience, using tools such as those I wrote about is a great way to help yourself when you’re feeling pretty good but can be hard to implement when you’re in a negative space. So how do you make these tools “reliable when (you are) in an unreliable state?” I believe my friend was correct when she said she needed to take baby steps.

This means you have to give yourself a break. When you’re depressed or just feeling down about your life it’s easy to be hard on yourself for everything you do, or don’t do, without any regard for what’s truly important. Part of you is complicit with the negativity and will do all it can to continue the negativity (see my post on the Anti-Me). If you are aspiring to implement new tools into your daily life you could very well beat yourself up every time you realize you’ve forgotten to acknowledge yourself or taken a step to feel better. So you have to give yourself attainable goals and start slowly. And above all, BE GENTLE with yourself.

Here are some practical things you can do to start taking baby steps towards feeling better:

1. Choose one new skill to focus on and don’t try to add anything else for at least a week, maybe even a month.

2. Give yourself credit for doing it when you do and if you start beating yourself up for not doing it, try to find a voice inside yourself that can simply repeat: Be Gentle.

3. Make a sign (this could be as simple as using a sharpie on a piece of blank paper or the back of an envelope) that says “Be Gentle With Yourself” or a reminder to use another tool of your choice.

4. Remember that in the beginning you may only try your new tool once in a whole week. This is still very much an accomplishment.

Every step gets you closer to feeling good about yourself.

For a few years now I have been toying with an idea a friend suggested. She was teaching small children in a Waldorf school and she explained how helping children develop their will requires encouraging them to exercise it as though it were a muscle. Many of us think of will power as something we have or don’t have depending on the circumstance in which we need to use it. One person might have great will power when it comes to staying on task at work and completing projects but very little will around pumpkin pie. Another may have strong will in eating nutritious foods but terrible will when it comes to setting boundaries with their children.

The variables in these scenarios are desire and knowledge. When desire is greater, it’s harder to employ will power. As for knowledge, when something is understood (like the importance of setting boundaries with children and how to go about it effectively) there’s more motivation to employ will power. Being familiar with these variables can help us make conscious decisions about using will when we want to but we must also make our will stronger by exercising it.

Some steps you can take to exercise your will:

1. Make a to-do list (see my post referring to this). Be sure to start with things you might do anyway if you typically have trouble following through with lists. If you want more of a challenge, include one or two items that you’ve been “meaning to get to but something keeps getting in the way…”.

2. Give yourself credit. At the end of your list write down what you’ll do for yourself as a reward. Positive reinforcement is a fantastic way of making it more likely that you’ll employ your will in the future. Be sure and choose something you can do immediately after you complete the task. And, obviously, choose something you enjoy, something that makes you feel good. Some things I do: sit down and have a snack, buy a book or magazine you’ve been wanting and take some time to sit down and read, if your task is running errands stop on the way home and grab a smoothie or other treat, watch an episode of your favorite show, take a walk with someone you love.

3. Give yourself a time limit for each task. I have issues around doing dishes. I don’t like doing them but I need to have a clean kitchen to maintain my sanity. Lately, I’ve been giving myself a time limit on doing dishes. I’ll tell myself, “do dishes for 15 minutes and then you can do more later if you want to.” Fifteen minutes feels like a small amount of time and I know it’s something I can tolerate. Quite often I surprise myself by actually doing all the dishes in the allotted amount of time! This is teaching me that I make a bigger deal out of tasks that they really are. As I regularly see how much faster it is than I expect, I need less and less will to encourage myself to do the task

4. Increase your enjoyment of the task. If the expression of your will is task oriented, add something to it that makes it more enjoyable. If you’re running errands or exercising bring a friend along or your favorite music. If it’s a household chore you can get someone to help, listen to music or have a familiar movie or tv show playing in the background (familiar because you’ll be less inclined to get too drawn into it). If you’re using your will to avoid certain foods, have nutritious snacks on hand that you can replace the unhealthy one you want, or have a list of alternative fun activities to do instead of eating. Just because it’s a chore, job, or the denial of a desire, it doesn’t have to follow that you can’t have fun with it. Be creative. Be inventive. Think like a child and make it a game.

If you have a really weak will power start slowly and choose goals that are achievable. It may just be that you notice when you use your will effectively. No matter what, give yourself lots of credit for trying and celebrate your victories. And remember, the will is like any muscle in your body; you have to exercise it regularly and allow it time to grow stronger.

I found out few hours ago that my mom passed her licensing exam to become a psychologist! I am very excited and proud of her and I thought it only fitting that I dedicate a post to her because she is the perfect example of how we all have it in us to follow our dreams and make them a reality.

First, a little background. My mom is 55 years old (a beautiful and adorable 55) and has been going to school pretty much non-stop for about 15 years. She completed her unfinished B.A., went on to graduate school and has spent the last several years working on her PhD and internship-mostly while working full time. She had my sister and me before she was twenty-four and spent most of our childhood being a housewife and living with serious depression. She didn’t have a lot of confidence in herself then and I think for many years she must have carried a secret hope of going back to school while doubting she could actually do it.

When I look at my mom now I’m proud of her not only because she has realized her dream of becoming a psychologist (and that took incredible determination and intelligence) but because she has blossomed into a woman I admire. She has worked very hard to open her heart, let herself feel love and be loved by others. She is bravely facing the dark places inside of herself, setting boundaries with people who don’t respect her, and letting herself grieve for what she didn’t do when she was younger.

My mother has taken her strengths (insight into human nature, an insatiable desire to understand the mind, and trust in the healing process) and become someone who can help others. She has personal experience with suffering and a fabulous education and I believe that many people will benefit from her wisdom and presence.

She’s a wonderful role model for what we can do when we set our minds to a dream our heart has.

Let’s face it, sometimes we all feel a little more down in the dumps than usual. Maybe we’re in a slump or maybe suffering from a short term depression. (Please note: if you’ve been more tired than usual for several weeks, are having trouble sleeping, sleeping more than usual, feeling emotionally numb, and/or have lost interest in regular social and career activities, you may be experiencing a depression disorder and should consult with your doctor or a psychiatrist.) There are some very simple things we can do to feel better about ourselves and our lives. The following is a list of five things you can do on a daily basis to treat yourself like the special and unique person you are, motivate you to complete planned activities, and acknowledge the time and energy you spend attending to your needs and the needs of those around you.

1. Make a short list of things you want to accomplish and check off each item as you complete it.

This will give you a clear idea of your goals for the day and allow you to give yourself credit for the energy you spend attending to each task. Start with 4-8 tasks that you do on a daily basis already (i.e. washing dishes, making dinner, running an errand, making a phone call, weeding the garden, etc.). Netvibes.com is a homepage you assemble (it’s simple to use) that has a ‘to do’ list that is easy to use and crosses off items when you indicate you’ve completed them. (see image below of a sample To Do list on netvibes) You can, of course, hand write your To Do list.

2. Do something nice for yourself everyday.

At least one thing. Spend your lunch hour at the park. Buy or borrow a book you’ve been wanting to read. Set up alone time if you have kids or time to spend with your partner. Fix yourself a cup of tea before bed or a special cup of coffee in the morning. Get up a little early and enjoy the silence. Think about what makes you feel special. Add this to your To Do list for the day!

3. Acknowledge yourself each time you do something.

Make the bed. Run that errand you’ve been planning to run. Get the kids to bed on time. Choose to take a walk instead of lying in bed for 15 extra minutes, having a cigarette or eating that eclair. No matter how small the accomplishment may seem, you deserve a pat on the back for choosing to do it and then actually doing it!

4. Spend a little time outside everyday.

The sun is very important. It is the source of life on our planet and without it, no life would grow. Other than a few foods that have naturally have vitamin D and supplements in dairy and vitamins, being exposed to sunlight is the only way our bodies can make vitamin D. Without the proper amount of vitamin D the immune system can become weak, bones can become brittle and we can experience something similar to the exhaustion felt when we are iron deficient. Get outside and let the sun shine on your skin for even a few minutes a day!

5. Do something nice for someone else.

This is a good way to spread the goodness around and it can make you feel good about yourself for being a thoughtful, kind person. Call an elderly relative who you know would love to hear your voice. Fix a special dessert for your partner or children. Give up your seat on public transportation to someone who really needs it, i.e. a pregnant woman, person with small children, or elderly person. Give a homeless person a dollar or a piece of fruit.

Even if you only do one of these things each day and spend the other two days a week moping around, I think you’ll quickly find that you feel better about yourself and life in general in just a week or two. I don’t expect it to be a major life changing event, but I do think it might create a momentum that could lead to better physical and mental health!

Blessings on your journey and please, feel good about who you are. After all, there’s only one person like you in all the world. You deserve to feel special!!

Somewhere inside of all of us is a lion waiting to come out. For most of us, we encounter the lion inside of us when it comes out in a rage and roars at everyone and everything and this can be destructive and frightening. But we can also use the lion’s gifts and energies in a conscious way that helps us confront people and situations in our lives with bravery to set boundaries and meet situations with ferocity and unbending intention. Lions are not, however, easily found or contained so there’s work involved in incorporating that energy.

There’s a fabulous song by Van Morrison called Listen to the Lion that I have been listening to obsessively for the last few weeks to help me find and embody my inner lion. In the song Morrison sings about searching his soul for the lion inside. His love has “come tumbling down,” his tears have flown like water and he’s listening to the lion. The song is mystical and intense, full of Morrison growling and scatting. And in the end he is sailing away, looking for a brand new start.

Sometimes we don’t have to listen very hard to find the inner lion. For example, I recently picked up the phone and found myself being yelled at by an acquaintance. I felt a lot of things in this moment: shocked, hurt, and incredibly pissed off. It took a while for me to respond to this person but the lion inside of me was roaring and this was a good thing because it gave me the energy I needed to set boundaries and insist on not being verbally assaulted again. Simple, really, and case closed.

Sometimes it’s more complicated and almost life preserving that we find our inner lion and draw on its strengths and bravery to help us survive a situation intact. Recently my son was diagnosed with failure to thrive and it seemed like everything else in my life came to a halt. Now, more than ever, I need that inner lion in order to show up for my six month old baby. I knew I had to find it and embody it, but how when I am scared and feel like I’m going to fall apart?

Since I am engaged in that work right now I can only tell you how I’m doing it, not that I’ve been completely successful and all is now working out fine. It is daily work, and I mean the kind of work that requires almost constant attention to my inner state of mind and my physical health (I make sure that I get enough sleep and nutrition and have made an appointment to see a therapist for extra support). First, I have to let myself feel all the scary and painful feelings. These feelings are my source of strength–they are the lion’s den. Just as Van Morrison says, “all my love comes tumbling down,” and “my tears like water flown.” In that place I search my very soul for the resolve to show up in each moment so I can track my son’s every feeding, communicate clearly with doctors, take him for blood tests, and of course be with my husband and children with as much love and attention as possible.

The work is gritty and requires growling and standing your ground sometimes. My decision to breastfeed (my son’s diet is currently half solid food, half breast milk) has been questioned and I know that some doctors initial reaction to this diagnosis is to assume maternal deprivation. So, when I question myself (and I think most mothers do this) I have to feel the doubt and then contact the mama lion in me who instinctively cares for her cubs with ferocity. From that place, there are no doubts that I am doing everything I can to nurture my baby and I have to stand my ground on decisions I’ve made that I know are balanced and right.

Embodying the inner lion doesn’t have to mean raging out of control but can, with conscious intention, be a source of strength and ground. In my current situation it has served to bring me into the present moment with a tenacity that allows me to feel my feelings and meet every day with a clear head and honest evaluation.

Hopefully, my son will respond to the higher fat diet we’re feeding him. If not and something more serious is causing his failure to thrive, I believe my inner lion will help me meet whatever arises.

May your inner lion be easily found and may you be able to embody it with intention.

A dear friend, who is also the Rebbetzin (Rabbi’s wife) at a local synagogue, recently inspired me to look deep inside myself and reassess how I’m serving my community.

Much of the time we try to cater our services (volunteer or businesses) to what we think the community needs. We research and poll others to determine exactly how people seek to have their needs met. My friend, for example, spent many months trying to design and host a monthly gathering for women that was based on the ideas and input of many of the women who regularly attended. The result were gatherings that never left her completely satisfied and often left her feeling exhausted from trying to please everyone. Eventually she gave up and quit hosting the gathering.

Over the last year my friend has been training to become a Hakomi practitioner. This training requires the student to work on personal issues and to become acquainted with themselves in an honest and intimate way. I have watched my friend blossom over the last year and when she told me last week that she was starting her monthly women’s gatherings again, I was curious what form they would take and how she might approach them with her newfound wisdom. I will find out for myself what they will be like when I attend the first gathering this weekend. As for how she’s approaching the process differently, I can tell you that now.

My friend described having an evolving revelation about how she relates to the the work she does as the caretaker and leader of feminine experience in her community. Why? She tells me it’s because she’s becoming aware of what she has to offer as a unique individual. She has realized that in identifying her gifts and skills, she can create a gathering that is imbued with energy and wisdom. Besides being able to give something that will, I am certain, be healing and educational for others, she is also more excited and satisfied than I have ever known her to be!

I have been inspired to rethink my own approach to serving others in my private practice because of my friend’s example. To assist me in this reassessment I am asking myself the following questions on a daily basis (you can come up with your own questions or use mine as a jumping off point):

1. What am I naturally good at?

2. What excites me and gets me motivated to take action?

3. How can I use my unique gifts to help others?

4. When people compliment me, what are they saying they like about me? (this question is not about how others view me but about what I do well naturally and in an embodied way)

and finally

5. If I could do anything I wanted with my life, what would that be?

While I have just begun to answer some of these questions, I am already getting a clearer picture of how I want my private practice to evolve. And I’m realizing that it doesn’t have to conform to anyone else’s ideas about what private practice is (as long as I practice in an ethical way, of course). The exciting thing about all of this is that I have new energy to funnel into my practice and I believe this will attract the people who will most benefit from my unique way of inspiring and creating psychological and spiritual healing. Ultimately, that has the power to benefit every one!

My wish for every one today is: Find your bliss, embody it and people in need of your services will show up to receive your offering!