Grief is a funny thing. And I obviously don’t mean in a ‘ha-ha’ way. Most of us expect to feel intense grief in the time just following a loved one’s death but we also tend to expect that the age old saying about time healing all wounds is literal and that some day we’ll wake up and we won’t feel all the feelings related to grieving that loved one. It’s true that if healthy grieving work has been done we will eventually come to accept that loved one’s death and may even feel peace around it–most of the time. In my experience, however, that does not mean that we will stop missing our loved one or that we won’t occasionally experience a flare up of anger, disappointment or intense loss.
In the time just after a loved one dies we are overwhelmed by a myriad of feelings. We may: be in shock or feel numb; feel relief if a long illness preceded death; find that we are crying uncontrollably; and/or experience intense rage. These possibilities represent only a few reactions to death; people’s experience of grieving can be as unique as they are. There are recognized stages of grief but the order in which we pass through these stages varies. As time goes by we navigate back into our everyday lives and our thoughts slowly turn less often to our loved one and more frequently towards the life we are living. This needs to happen in order for us to avoid becoming consumed with grief to the extent that we abandon our own life and the loved ones who are still with us.
Even once the initial grieving has been done, feelings related to grief can show up unexpectedly for the rest of our lives. That’s because when a loved one dies we do not stop loving them. Months or years may pass and you see a person who resembles your loved one, begin to reminisce and suddenly find yourself in tears because you miss their presence in your life. I recently saw a dog who looked very much like the dog I lost several months ago. I went to pet her and was overcome by sadness and spent the rest of the evening feeling deep grief. You may go to fix a leaky faucet and remember that your loved one used to attend to these kinds of tasks and feel angry that they are no longer around to help. People have been known to dream of a loved one for years after their death. These dreams can be comforting and may bring the feelings of deep grief back to the surface.
This is all very normal and we should treat ourselves gently when these feelings surface. They are a testament to our ability to love someone even after they have long departed. When these feelings come up be curious about them and allow yourself the time and space to feel them. They will pass and can sometimes turn into a fond remembering or laughter when we allow ourselves to fully experience them. After all, the person or animal we miss was a part of our life and the joy we felt in their presence can continue after they have left this physical world.
